Inner voice, where art thou?

"I must be travelling on, There's too many places I haven't seen." - FREEBIRD, lynyrd skynyrd



I'm reading Kelly Cutrone's new book. She's all about finding your inner voice and find the place where you belong. She talks about finding your tribe.
I'm only a third way through but I already know that she is telling me what I need to hear. In between the name dropping and shameless self-promotion, she talks about the things that lately I've been refusing to acknowledge to myself.
I need to break away. I need to find a way to move from Las Vegas and move to a city that calls to me. A city where I could see myself really thriving in as opposed to marking time here.
I just wish I knew where that was.
Lately, I've been thinking DC. I love DC. I probably could even deal with walking everywhere and taking the subway. I could write policy papers or write for a blog. Believe it or not, I could refine my writing to be acceptable in any format. I could probably have a life in DC if I could find a job.
The only thing is, I don't want to live my life in DC. I don't want to be there in 10 years or even five. I don't want to be that far from my family and I could never have the personal life I want working for a conservative think tank. Everyone says I should be a pundit but I'm starting to doubt the wisdom of that since my mouth is usually three steps ahead of my mind.
I could go back in the creative writing. But the truth is that I need more life experience before I become the kind of writer I want to be. Plus, I need a day job since I have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
The truth is that I used to know exactly where I was going to be. I used to be accused of living in the future. At times my mental image of my future was all that kept me holding on. But its killing me and probably depressing  me that I have no idea where I'm going to be post-summer.
I'm 24 years old and I need to get on with my life. I need to figure out what kind of job and what kind of future I want.
When I think about my future, I think about living in a old southern style tara house that I had gotten cheap and renovated. I think about living outside of austin or charleston or even williamsburg. I think about raising four daughters and schlepping them to school and soccer practice in between appointments. (Which if genetics is any indication, they'll really suck at the soccer) I imagine having dinner parties with all my old friends and our children playing together.
I used to think about being famous. Now, however, I realize I just wanted to the best in my field. Sure, I'd love to be on Fox News occasionally and go to White House State Dinners. But if I have to choose, I realize I just want a family and make enough money so that we never have to worry about finances or how we are going to pay the mortgage. I want to make enough money to take my mother to Europe. I want to be able to put some aside so my kids will have advantages that only money can buy.
But that tiny little voice that used to tell me what I wanted to do. That voice that made my decisions and lead me to be adventurous and take wild chances. That inner part of me who knew where I was going. It's been silent for a very long time. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and where I'm going to go.
And it's killing me more than anything I've ever had to face.

Ah, Lady Gaga! How scandalous you are!

Well, I have to confess. I am just fascinated with people's reactions to Lady Gaga and Beyonce's new video, "Telephone." My mother was horrified and disgusted. There seems to be a mix of revulsion and adoration of the video on my facebook. And my twitter feed is positively scandalized.
My fav reaction is that of my mother who informed me that I shouldn't post the video on my wall because people will think I'm a freak. Now granted, this is my mother who is a terrible prude when it comes to crudity on television but I took it as an example of far out our generation has become.
I think we can all agree that the video is shocking. What I find interesting is that it takes a lesbian scene and nudity in a women's prison and then eventual death of an entire restaurant to even come close to shocking the sensibilities of jaded generation Y. And the truth is, I've became especially numb because I live in Sin City. I see naked women on billboards on a daily basis. I am thoroughly apathetic to anything that would shock most people. I thought I might be an isolated incident since I was born a cynic but I think it is universal throughout the current 20 somethings.
To shock us you have to bring out the big guns and probably that is the reason for Lady Gaga's success. She manages to be so crazy, so bizarre that it breaks through and makes us comment on it. This is an amazing achievement in itself. The fact she is talented seems to take a backseat to her eccentricity.
She is pushing, pushing, PUSHING the envelope. I mean how much more can she do? She's two steps from porn right now. How much more crazy can she get if she's hit this point already?
I don't know but I'm sure its going to be interesting...

Modern Family? Not so much!!!

          I have a new obsession. Always a major television watcher, I am obsessed with the show Modern Family. I love it so much. I love how it has embraced a gay family and the constant foibles of the multi-generations. It has a great cast of character actors who I have loved on other shows and my friends and I are constantly quoting the show. Everyone on my facebook quotes it every Wednesday night in their statuses. And I swear to God that one of the gay men is my mother. I almost think they are watching her. I am constantly re-enacting scenes. Like I said, obsessed.

            I have just one problem with it. While I find it realistic in its content and the set up, I couldn’t help but notice that all three families are single income households. None of the women work and the more effeminate gay man in unemployed. How realistic or modern is that? According to the US Census, out of the 63 million women married right now, on 5.6 are stay at home mothers. We live in a society that since the 1950’s the American housewife has become a rarity. It’s come to a point that when the other day I heard an acquaintance said she aspired to be a housewife, I almost fell out of my chair.  I know there are women to want to be housewives and be with their children every minute of their childhoods but there seems to be a hell of a lot more women who want to have/need a profession and raise their children at the same time. Plus, even before the economy crashed and burned, most household depended on a double income. Now granted, in the show the men are very successful. Which in itself is very unrealistic since one of the guys is a real estate salesman and seems to be doing just fine. I suppose the argument is that if the men make enough money the women don’t need to work but are these writers incapable of realizing most women want to work?

            I realize its just a tv show, but I think it’s interesting that they so pointedly made the women/feminine gay man housewives. I mean they make a point of emphasizing that this is a modern family yet they have traditional male/female roles and single income households. Can anyone say Leave It To Beaver? I think it’s a real shame because they miss a great opportunity to show real women and the lives of the majority of mothers out there. 

An Introduction to Crystal McIntire Boyd

     They call me the Commodore. I'm not exactly sure why. I suspect it’s my bossy nature and tendency to lead, especially if it leading to trouble. I can be a wild woman but most of the time I'm oddly reflective. Highly neurotic, I'm constantly examining everything around me and in the world. I'd like to think of it as a pursuit for a higher meaning but I suspect it’s just an effort to make sense of the insane events that happen in our world and to me specifically.


My goals in life are varied and conflicting. I wish I could tell you what I want to do but I don't have a clue. I have a deadline for that hanging over my head, swinging like a pendulum that may signal my likely doom. Did I mention my flair for drama? No one does it better. I'm not a drama queen, I'm the drama Empress.


A great deal of this will be about conservative politics. It’s not my passion but it’s one of them. I want to be the Lady Gaga of conservatism. Shocking but undoubtedly talented. And Famous. Definitely Famous.


I believe in limited Government, common sense policy, fiscal responsibility and beating anyone who screws with us bloody. When it comes to foreign policy, I believe in carrying a stick, talking softly and having a hell of a lot of nuclear bombs to back your ass up. I suppose I would be a true libertarian except I believe that if someone threatens you, you hit them first and below the belt. It's called WAR not a freaking cotillion and the only point of fighting is winning. We can save the Marquis of Queensbury rules for when lives aren't on the line.


I believe we are the fulfillment of the Chinese curse that says: May you live in Interesting times.


However, whether we live in the worst of times or the best of times, it’s the only time we have. I sometimes feel like we are on the cusp of a renaissance and then some time I almost can hear the gurgle as slowly the world slides down the drain. Whatever the case may be, I hope this blog will be there to chronicle it.